Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced « Kate Harding's Shapely Prose
The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.
There’s a man with whom I went out on a single date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?
Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.
This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.
For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.
and i love this comment at the post:
————
The funny thing here is I’m a lot less cautious than that in some senses – I’ll walk to Walgreens alone at 4 AM, I leave my door unlocked sometimes if I’m just running out for a few minutes, I walk around at night with headphones on, I hang out in sketchy rock clubs and have been known to drink and do drugs with men covered in tattoos – but the minute I see a man ignore one of those “back off” signals? Red alert. From now on I will make sure never to be alone with that man. Not only will I not date him, I will not be his friend, and I will discourage any woman I know from hanging out with him. He has identified himself as The Enemy.
And I’m pretty damn fearless, as these things go. But this stuff, the responding to unspoken signals, isn’t just fear – it’s common sense.
Seriously guys, you know how you tend to insist that women can’t tell if your intentions are bad? Um, yeah, actually, we often can, because we have no choice. We HAVE to be able to read your intentions.———-
